Bum Reviews Clannad
by classicdisney4thewin
Summary: Title says it all


Bum Reviews: Clannad

"And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: Clannad (the anime series)".

"OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"Dango, Dango, Dango, Spoilers!"

"There's this boy named Tomoya! And he's upset because he hates his life and is always full of teenage, boyish angst!"

"On account of he has an alcoholic father!"

"Jeez! Already this kid represents my life story at age 7!"

"And then I met marijuana!"

"So as he's walking to school one day, he sees a girl talking to herself!"

"Do you like this school?"

"Uh-"

"I really like this school."

"I was just walking uh-"

"Some things can never change though."

"Do you just want to develop a romantic high school relationship so I can stop acting angsty?"

Nagisa's theme plays aloud and a fan blows in the background as the camera zooms in on the Bum's face.

"OK!"

"So it turns out Nagisa is physically weak because she gets sick all the time!"

"I'm not kidding! This chick is out sick like every other day! She had to repeat two frickin years of high school to graduate! That's torture!"

"And now for a quick moment of silence for Nagisa Furuwaka."

The bum removes his hat and the screen turns black and white while continuing to play the Nagisa theme music. He quickly throws his hat back on and the color comes back.

"So anyway!"

"Tomoya and Nagisa meet a lot of colorful characters with story arcs! Like Sunohara!"

"I'm going to kick this impossibly strong girl's ass because the script says soooooo!"

"And Tomoyo!"

"Not to be confused with TomoyA."

The Bum pretends to be Tomoyo and punches Sunohara.

"And Kotomi!"

The Bum plays a loud, screechy violin with zero melody or effort involved.

"That was my version of Fur Elise!"

"And Fuko!"

"STARFISH STARFISH STARFISH!"

The Bum grabs the camera and runs around the room with it.

"GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR STARFISH!"

"And the two twins Kyou and Ryou!"

"Not to be confused with the blue macaw."

"I'm Kyou, the bad ass girl who's clearly in love with the angsty boy but does not want to show my true feelings for him! For it would weaken my reputation!"

"Yeah well I kind of like Tomoya too!"

"Well then I'm going to pair you up with him!"

"Oh really?"

"Only so I can go into a deep depression in the OVA and develop a romance with him that all of the fans will be super pissed off at because they only want to see him with Nagisa because she keeps the story going which means you and I will most likely go into a state of depression with all of the thousands of Tomoya fangirls at our school and become complete bums!"

"I was in a deep depression once!"

"But again, I met marijuana."

"So at the end of season 1, Tomoya FINALLY admits his feelings to Nagisa!"

"Nagisa, I love you."

"I do too Tomoya!"

"And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"So do I!"

"And I want to get into your panties this Friday night."

"Yeah- wait WHAT?"

"Oh sorry that's my line from Tomoyo After: It's a Wonderful Life. I must have gotten the two mixed up."

"Really?"

"Yeah apparently its Clannad porn but with me and her instead of you and me."

"So then in season two we go through three more really un-important story arcs!"

"Let me rap them up really quick!"

"My cat used to be a human boy!"

"I'm mad at my sister for no explained reason so I shall take out my anger on the one person I am actually friends with even though he tricks me and I am seriously too gullible!"

"I'm in a mafia!"

"THE END!"

"And NOW Nagisa and Tomoya's relationship continues!"

"Like they hold hands…and hug…and…hold hands…and hug…"

"THIS IS JAPAN!"

"They always have to sexualize chicks in animes especially when they're in a romance!"

"Not being racist or anything but I can't think of one anime when Japan hasn't sexualized a chick!"

"They sexualized Misty in that one episode of Pokemon, AND SHE WAS TEN!"

"Back to the review though."

"Nagisa and Tomoya decide to get married in the most romantic way possible!"

"I'm mad and angsty at my father!"

"You shouldn't be so angry though he is you fa-"

"Wanna get married?"

"Sure."

"And then that episode ends!"

"HURRAY!"

"So the parents agree to let them get married!"

"And then they have a BABY!"

"Oh my god!"

"So from then on, Tomoya's life is great, he has a good paying job, he and Nagisa live happily together, the baby is safely born in the house of the town Nagisa loved so much, and then she herself dies, the end."

"So yeah Clannad was a great ani- WHAAAAAAAAT?!"

"SHE DIES?! That's the saddest thing EVER!"

Chester runs around the room bawling.

"HOW COULD YOU KILL HER HORRIBLE DISEASE AUDIENCES ARE FORBIDEN TO KNOW ABOUT? HOW COULD YOU?!"

"So Tomoya is all angsty again after Nagisa dies."

"And from then on you will all be cautioned to go to your local supermarket and by at least a dozen tissues capable of holding large amounts of tears…and snot."

"Tomoya was so upset by his loss he even refused to take care of baby Ushio!"

"Kind of like a lot of anime figures I know."

"So baby Ushio grows up with Nagisa's parents."

"Who are TOTALLY fine with taking responsibility for her! And Tomoya is completely fine with giving them mental breakdowns over Nagisa's death."

"So one day he visits Ushio who's like 5 years old now."

"And she's like."

"I want to go on a trip."

"No, Sanae and Akio told me to stay here with you."

"But it's been like three hours! Where the hell have they been?"

"Shopping?...fooooooor you?"

"Just take me on a trip so we can pull off a dozen tear jerkers and sell more tissue boxes."

"All right then."

"So they go on a train to a really pretty meadow!"

"And Ushio plays in that meadow and it's all happy!"

"UNTIL!"

"She lost her toy! Oh god why?!"

"Now that toy is going to grow up alone like Lotso from Toy Story 3 and is going to start a rebellion at a preschool! OH WHY CLANNAD?!"

"So Tomoya admits he's been a bad dad after he learned his dad had actually worked his ass off to take care of him when he was Ushio's age! And since he hasn't done the same with Ushio he feels GUILTY!"

"Do you want to hear about your mother?"

"Sure!"

"Ok…well…uh she cried…a lot…she sang about dumplings…she cried…she was in a theater club-"

"Dammit Daddy I thought you'd marry someone more interesting like my preschool teacher!"

"Kyou is a whole 'nother story."

"So then Ushio moves in with him! And they live happily ever after under the Dango family tree."

Chester mimics the Dango Daikazoku tune with the next following lines.

"Ushio now lives with Tomoya, and she has a new robot, sadly disease came back to get her, and she died with the plot…WHAAAAAT?!"

"WHY JAPAN WHY?"

"You pulled the stunt off again?! Really?! Do you like abusing Tomoya like that?! When you kill his wife that's one thing but now his daughter and he has like no other family left! That's just asking for suicide!"

"So Tomoya is even more upset!"

"But then something magical happens!"

"He collected all of these Drangonball lights throughout the show that can grant him a wish. So he wishes Nagisa never had the disease and she and Ushio wouldn't die from it!"

"Whoa! I just had the craziest vision that you died, I was left to take care of our diseased child, quit my job, apologized to my dad and had him move out-"

"Wait if this takes place at the time Ushio is born and all of this you said never even happened before, shouldn't you go apologize to your dad?"

"Your right that's probably a good idea."

"Yeah."

"Especially if I never met up with my grandma that one particular day in that one particular spot on that one particular field."

"Wait your grandma's still alive?"

"Yeah."

"Something tells me we we're too young to have a kid."

"So that's the END of Clannad!"

"It was a really good anime! But really sad, BUT ALSO FUNNY! And then sad again, and THEN FRIKIN HYSTERICAL! And then very sad…"

"This is Chester A. Bum saying, CHANGE YA GOT CHANGE! AW HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON! I PROMISE I WILL SHOW MY RESPECT FOR THE ANIME BY NOT BUYING TOMOYO AFTER STORY!"


End file.
